Stop Apologizing: A Month of Awareness!
I’m sorry.
According to a survey from Express.co.uk, Brits say this phrase more than 2,900 per year. I suspect that American’s would be a close 2nd.
I’m sorry.
That means you say this around 261,000 times in an average lifetime.
I’m sorry.
So for the exponential amount you are saying this phrase, is it worth it?
- 43% of people apologize for when someone else bumps them
- 30% of the time people use it as an alternative for excuse me
- 39% use it in fear of causing offence
The phrase has lost it’s true meaning and value behind it. Bryan Dik, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Colorado State University, explains in this Women’s Health article that “habitually over-apologizing—saying ‘sorry’ when you mean ‘excuse me,’ or just to ease tension when you’ve done nothing wrong—can work against you. Chronically apologizing for things that aren’t your fault can hurt your self-esteem, make other people uncomfortable, and let the offender off the hook.”
If you took one day to just bring awareness to this phrase and how many times you say it per day, you would be amazed! The definition in Merriam Webster is “feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence.” When you say this word, are you actually sorry? Did you truly do something that validates feeling regret or sorrow for that action?
An apology should be empathetic, thoughtful, and accepting of your side in the situation. It should come at a time that you want to take responsibility for your action and correct the wrongdoing. This could be as concrete as dropping your boyfriends phone to more emotional based that you know you hurt him by forgetting to get him a birthday gift.
With all of this in mind, I felt I was setup for success in analyzing my own behavior throughout October. Why did I just say that? Does it deserve an apology? Most of the time, my answer was no. Towards the end, I started taking back my sorry… people started giving me a very quizzical look! It spurred some fun conversations though. People actually loved the concept and most people agreed right away. There was one funny instance where I got into an infinite loop of saying sorry.
“I’m sorry.”
“Wait no, I’m not sorry.”
“Sorry, I’m doing this thing where I stop apologizing for things I haven’t done wrong.”
“Wait, I just said it again, I’m not sorry.”
“Sorry, I am weird.”
“HOLY SHIT – I’m not sorry!”
“I’m leaving now….” and then I ran away.
As I progressed through this month and stopped apologizing left and right, I felt myself getting more confident and decisive. I started to trust what I was thinking and my actions. I can totally see how when you are constantly apologizing and taking responsibility for a situation that doesn’t validate that response, you are still eliciting the same emotions in your own body and so in turn, you think you should feel regret or remorse more often then you should.
One tip that I have come across in my research is to say “thank you” or “excuse me” vs “I’m sorry.” Most of the time one of these options will fit the situation. For example, if a friend is teaching you to play the guitar and you keep fumbling over the chords, you could say “thank you for being patient with me” vs “I’m sorry I’m so bad.” Or if you walk out of a door and someone is also walking in and you almost run into each other, you can just say “excuse me.”
I also find a lot of times we tend to apologize when a friend is going through something difficult or is sad. There are a multitude of ways that you can express your love for this person without saying sorry. You could say any of these things:
- I completely understand how you are feeling
- I can see how this would be extremely difficult
- I can relate to the situation you are in
- You are valid in the way you are feeling
- I know it may be difficult right now
- I love you
Empathy is 10x stronger than sympathy!
So where does this leave me now? I will not apologize for just any situation anymore. I want to stay connected to when I’m choosing to apologize and ensure that this word has meaning when I say it. I want to feel confident in who I am and not apologize for just being me. Words are powerful! The words you chose daily can elicit internal responses and beliefs. I’ve always struggled with being indecisive and this is the first exercise I have tried in a long time that I have seen a direct correlation to believing in myself more and in turn, trusting my decisions more. I encourage you for 1 week to just bring awareness to when you apologize and then really ask yourself, did I do something wrong here? Do I truly feel like I need to correct a wrong for this situation? Don’t ever apologize for just being you!
